The Abuse Epidemic
I know everyone is occupied about the COVID-19 epidemic, but that’s not the only epidemic going around. Abuse is also an epidemic. I personally have been a victim of it, and who better to speak on a subject than someone who can speak through experience. Not only is it a vicious cycle, but it seems like society is breeding more of them in the younger generations. Young men are encouraged by media and t.v. to show no emotion, especially towards females. When a guy is totally in love with his woman, friends, associates, or society in general tells them they are soft, and actually will laugh and accuse them of being ‘whipped’. To my guys out there who fall into the pressure, men are ALLOWED to show emotion. It’s a natural human thing.
It seems guys were always pressured into playing tough guy though. I absolutely salute any guy who knows how to treat a woman with respect, and is not afraid to show his softer side. I’m sure most other women would agree. And for those who call other guys soft, ‘whipped’ or laugh at someone who show their women respect you are childish, and need to grow up. We are not in high school anymore. We are adults, and we know better. There are also a lot of abusers out there who honestly don’t believe that they have a problem. So first off, we need to identify what abuse is.
Types of abuse
There are many forms of abuse. Most people think of something physical when they hear the word abuse. Not only is that not the only form of abuse, it’s also not exactly the most damaging form either. Any type of abuse will have some effect on the victim, and I find that the most ignorant, unintelligent response I have ever heard from someone who doesn’t understand the effects is something along the lines of…..”well why did she stay with him?”…..or “it’s her fault because she puts up with it.” These people genuinely don’t know how uneducated, and moronic they sound, but it’s only because they are uneducated on the subject. I actually had an old therapist ( I honestly can’t remember his name though ), who had a lot of patients who he had sessions with who experienced abuse. So, just out of pure curiosity, he told me he looked into the scientific aspect of abuse, and he found that the abuser actually alters the victims state of mind.
Understand what I just said! The abuser ALTERS the victims STATE OF MIND. Even though what I’m about to share is extremely personal….I went through a ‘being abused was all my fault’ phase because I was told so many times that it was my fault for not leaving sooner, and I actually started to believe it. SMH! So of course, I poured all that out to my therapist, and he said ” sweetie, it’s not your fault, never was, and those people are just idiots who are unknowingly empowering the abuser.” This is how the victim is re-traumatized by family, friends, and sometimes even the system. He then explained to me how he looked into the scientific aspect of abuse, and explained to me that the abuser alters your state of mind before they start abusing you, meaning that it’s not mentally possible to leave an abusive situation. And the few that do, only end up in the same situation, just a different abuser. Then he went on telling me that I was one in 3% of victims that get out of an abusive relationship, and said I’m not even aware of how strong I actually am.
Now let’s get into defining the types of abuse. The first one is the most obvious, and known. If you don’t know what physical abuse is, then I can’t help ya. Lol! This is clearly when someone physically hurts you. Sexual abuse is also physical. Where a sexual act is forced on you, or when a person is taking advantage of you in a sexual manner. Emotional abuse is like verbal abuse. It’s where someone uses their words in a negative way that causes you to feel depressed, sad, or full of anxiety. They may say things like you are stupid, ugly, fat, or too skinny. Anything that would make you take a hit on your self-esteem. Emotional and mental abuse is overlooked so much it’s not even funny. Someone does not have to even touch you to abuse you. Mental abuse is where the abuser teaches you to use your own mind against yourself. For example, and one I personally experienced, is where they might say you are crazy every time you stand up for yourself. And then somehow you start to believe it. What they do is emphasize, and exaggerate your reaction to the abuse, instead of the real problem…the abuse.
Two less known forms of abuse are financial abuse, and spiritual abuse. Yes! Spiritual abuse is actually a thing. These narcissists will use ANYTHING they can to control you. Financial abuse is where the abuser controls the victims access to financial resources. Even if you don’t rely solely on the abuser for finances, they will find a way to destroy the finances that you already have. For example, bank fraud, credit fraud, cashing checks in your name, coercion into signing a document, deceit to sign a document, investment fraud, forged signatures, or even just misuse of financial resources like overspending your money, and then having a great excuse why they needed whatever they bought without your knowledge. Now if your abuser fully supports you financially, that’s a bait, hook and sink because if you decide you want to leave, you are not financially able to. Spiritual abuse is actually something that I wasn’t even aware of until I went through it myself. Spiritual abuse can apply to any religion, or belief system. It’s where the abuser ridicules, or insults your personal belief system, uses your belief system to shame, or manipulate you.
I’m going to give you some red flags to watch out for. If you see these red flags, run like hell. Get out of there as early as possible because if you hang around too long, I promise it will only get worse. But if you catch on to it early enough, you can leave before your mind is completely altered because once that’s in place you won’t be able to leave. Abusers seem to all suffer from N.P.D, a.k.a Narcissistic Personality disorder. N.P.D is a mental condition where this person has an inflated sense of their own importance, a need for excessive attention, and a lack of empathy for others. So understand that these people only care about what is important to them. They DO NOT care what is important to you, they DO NOT care about what you need, only what they need. They come first always, and it’s always about them. They need excessive attention, meaning you are NOT ALLOWED to have time for yourself, or time for any other relationships, even if it’s your relationship with family. And most importantly, they have a lack of empathy for others. This is critical to understand as a victim because they are extremely AWARE of what they are doing to you. They DO NOT care how you feel, they DO NOT care if you are hurting, they KNOW they are hurting you, and are not capable of treating you how you deserve to be treated.
Now let’s get into those red flags to look for….
- Intense praise followed by devaluation: This is called love bombing, one day you are the best thing in the world to them, and no one can compare to you. Next day, you just aren’t good enough, or they will pull back from you to the point you wonder if they even know you exist, which is confusing when the day before you were the best thing since sliced bread. This is a way they make you feel crazy like you are imagining things. This also helps to form a trauma bond.
- Making you not believe your own reality: Your reality can be as simple as you are of sound mind, and somehow they will flip your own mentality against you, and convince you that you are totally insane. This is usually their reaction to your reaction to their abuse. Example: he hits you, you react by threatening to call the cops, and he will say go ahead because you are completely insane and they won’t believe you. In my experience, the last part isn’t completely untrue because I’ve only came across one cop who actually believed me, and that was only because I was unconscious. And then when you have an officer who believes the abuser, you start to question your sanity as a result.
- Sabotaging your other relationships: They will deliberately sabotage all your other relationships, so they can keep you all to themselves because they can’t have your family, and friends interfere when they start abusing you.
- Making you out to be the bad guy for having feelings: Listen to me! Everyone has feelings, and everyone feels different about different things, or subjects. Don’t let anyone devalue the way you feel. If you feel something, let’s say about the way he talks to you, and you express the way you feel. This person then goes on to tell you you have no right to feel that way…..get outta there asap.
- Lying to avoid responsibility: A great example of this one would be he slaps you, you react to it, and to avoid that responsibility, he says ” I didn’t even touch your face. I just pushed you. How did you get I slapped you from that? ” Of course he skips over the fact that he shouldn’t have pushed you either.
- Blaming you for everything, and never taking any of the blame themselves: This one is similar to not taking responsibility. No matter what happens in the relationship, it will never be his fault, and will always get put on you. This one is one of the most ridiculous one’s in my opinion. He might hit you, or start an argument with you, and then he will punish you for what HE did, and blame you for it. So, say he hits you during an argument, and then to sort of punish you he will say don’t talk to me right now. You ask why? And he says that you started the argument, or you did something to make him hit you, and in turn he’s upset with you, and doesn’t want to talk to you right now.
- A lack of interest in you as a person: This just means they don’t love you for who you really are. They are only interested in what you can do for them. Maybe you give them that excessive attention that they crave, and in turn you become their top narcissistic supply, but it’s not love, and it’s not because of who you are.
- A sense of entitlement, or you owe them everything in the world so to speak: This one is pretty self explanatory. They walk around like you owe them. You owe them to put up with their abuse. You owe them your time, love, and affection. You owe them excessive attention by giving up all other relationships. You get the gist of it.
- Toxic Amnesia: This one for me is the most obvious because they usually start doing it early on in the relationship. This is where the abuser pretends to not remember something they said or did. Trust me! They remember, they just don’t want you to. It’s part of their gaslighting, and is meant to create self doubt in your mind. It makes you feel as if you are mentally unstable, or like you are just overreacting. And it sort of causes you to rely more on what they say instead of yourself. Listen to your gut. You are NOT crazy.
When you leave….
Before you leave an abusive relationship there’s 2 very crucial things you have to do. First, you need to acknowledge that when you do decide to leave, you will be entering into the worst, and most dangerous part of the whole relationship. It is a fact, that the most dangerous part of an abusive relationship is when you leave. The reason why is because a narcissist thrives off of their control over you. And when you take all that control back they go into a full blown rage fit. This is where most victims actually die at the hands of their abusers, when they start defending themselves. I don’t think people take this part seriously enough. If you have already left, and nothing has happened yet, and I say yet because that means they still have some control over your life, whether it’s a child, you tried to stay friends after the break-up, or they have some form of contact with you still. If and when you take that away, that will be the last shred of their control, and that’s when things are going to get real.
Second, you have to make a plan before you leave. It’s too dangerous to just leave because this is the part where they will start using all their resources against you. It’s basically an attempt to either get you back in their control out of fear, or destroy your life if you manage to get away for good, so either way they get what they want. They will harass you, stalk you, contact your family and friends, use your child against you, destroy your finances, and in more serious cases they will use the police, court system, try to kill you, and even contact CPS in their smear campaign against you. These are some really sick people you are dealing with, and you need to make a plan for your own safety, and sanity.
Here’s a place to start with a plan:
- Make the decision to leave, but don’t tell anyone that you are going to leave, and continue down this list before actually taking action on it. Keep it to yourself. If you honestly can’t do it on your own, you need to make sure anyone you get involved on this is someone you can 1000% trust because he will be contacting your family and friends, and if you can’t trust them fully, or they can be persuaded by him, then count them out.
- Decide when is the safest time to leave. Especially if there are kids involved.
- Put some money to the side. This is very important, especially if you depend on your abuser for finances because he will leverage that to keep you in your place.
- If you live with him, or wouldn’t be able to force him to leave your home, pack a bag, so you can leave. You could pack some clothes, some necessities, and that cash you saved up. But DO NOT let him find that bag, or your life could depend on it. So, make sure you have a good hiding spot before even packing the bag. If you have somewhere outside of the home to stash it, that would be my safest suggestion. I wouldn’t pack it last minute unless you have no other option because if he catches you, instead of just grabbing it and going, it’s not going to be pretty.
- Make sure you have somewhere safe to go after making the decision to leave, saving some cash, and packing a bag. More than likely, they already have somewhere in mind that you would go to, so try to think of somewhere they would never guess. If the only option is to go somewhere where they can easily find you, at least pick the place where you feel you will be the safest from him. Maybe a house he can’t just walk in, maybe a family member, or friend who will defend you and won’t fall for his manipulation tactics. Example: if you have a crazy friend….that’s the place to go. Lol!
- You also might want to consider arming yourself. You might not fully agree with this option, but there are non-lethal options like a taser or mace. That way, at least you can slow him down and have time to run, or react in some way.
- Now you need to start emotionally distancing yourself. This has to be above all the hardest part of this. You know that saying, or quote where they say that a woman leaves you emotionally, and mentally before physically leaving? Well this is where you have to become that quote. The reason I highly suggest this before you leave him is because if you allow emotions to get in the way, let’s just say you are screwed. I’m still fighting ’til this day to change my mentality, and it took me years, while I was still with them to train my mind to be strong enough just to leave. But it IS possible! It’s kind of hard to explain, but I will try to below.
- Now you can leave, but be prepared because he will throw anything, and everything your way.
Ok, let me try to elaborate on #7. First, and most importantly, you need to acknowledge the fact that he is abusive, that he manipulates you, that he doesn’t care, and that he will never change. If you don’t acknowledge these things, you can’t leave when you believe that everything is perfect, you are so in love, but everything is your fault. It’s not going to work with his programming. Remember that he altered your state of mind, so you have to try to reprogram it, so to speak. This is difficult when you are still with him because he easily gets into your head, but you have to fight it. Once you acknowledge these things, it’s easier to fall out of love with him. And you need to fall out of love with him, so that love doesn’t keep you hanging on by a thread. After that you need to stop making excuses for him, or believing his excuses for his actions. He’s wrong, not you! Start to make yourself see him for who he really is. Not this fairy tale person who he portrayed himself as. I’m sorry to say, but that person doesn’t even exist. That was just very good calculated manipulation. Acknowledge that too! Once you accomplish all this, just stop putting ANY emotion into ANY interaction with him. If he begs you, show no emotion, if he tries to be nice, show no emotion, if he gets angry with you, show no emotion. And at this point you should have no emotion towards them, just like they have no emotion towards you. This is how you beat a narcissist at his own game. And last, after you can successfully take your emotions out of it, you gradually slow down your contact with him. The less contact you have, the less he can effect you, and manipulate you. You will get stronger with time. Time away from him that is.
Take this seriously!
I genuinely hope this article on BreezyBlogs today gave you some useful information. Maybe you learned something new, or can pass this info on to someone who might need it right now. And I hope you take this seriously because it really is an epidemic. Especially in today’s society. Also, I highly encourage you to read this article from CBC. It tells the story of a woman who tried to escape her situation, and is no longer with us. It breaks my heart to see stuff like this, and bothers me that this is something that has been happening for such a long time, still continues ’til this day, is overlooked a lot, or just written off as it was her fault, instead of focusing on the real issue….the abuser, and still there is no cure for this epidemic even today.
" The only source of knowledge is experience. " - Albert Einstein